I was at a restaurant with my roommate, Ali. It was very busy and very loud and we were seated at a booth. In this alternate universe Michael Jackson had died, but he was still walking around in his body for just a few more days. Everyone was still shocked by his death and the media was obsessed over it.

Anyway, I’m just about to order when I notice this loud restaurant become progressively silent. Even the music shuts off as I see Michael Jackson turn the corner. Everyone is paralyzed by him… no one says a word. He obviously notices and seems uncomfortable about it. Michael sits down at his table a couple feet away from me. There is still complete silence and every eye is on him. Finally, he seems to have a moment of understanding that we all really care about him, and we’re not staring to be rude. He says,

“Ok, everyone. Let’s all sing “Man in the Mirror”.”

And we DO. As I’m singing, I start crying, and we make eye contact. He is completely caught off guard and I can tell he is sad that I’m sad. After everyone sings, things go back to normal, because it’s out of their system. Michael comes and sits by me and we have a long, deep, meaningful conversation that I will not write about here because it’s private. (Ha. Just kidding. I just can’t remember that part).

Anyway, after all this bonding, he reveals to me that he’s never felt sexually attracted to anyone before me, and that he has never even full-on kissed anyone before, let alone sleep with them. So we kissed. And you know what? It was really nice. I felt a very strong connection with this Dream Michael, and the kiss was incredibly powerful.

And then we slept together. I woke up. And life went on.

Isn’t that so strange????

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

1. That’s Belle’s dress!!

2. I’m really sick of Disney trying to promote Selena Gomez as a loner/hipster type. She has the head of a baby on a 12-year-old’s body and her hair is always way too perfect for her not to be popular.

3. I love Demi Lovato… but “Princess” is not the same as “Alien from Another Planet Who Doesn’t Understand Emotions”

4. Why does everyone in your country have an accent aside from you, Demi? Why??

5. They want to overthrow you because they need a proper “Queen” to lead a bunch of… queens.

6. Seriously? You don’t know what “chore” means? Disney… FAIL.

7. Selena, please ask your face to go through puberty. It’s really freaking us out.

8. I get that you guys are BFFs and you wanted this to be all about girl power… but…. erm…. WHERE WAS MY FREAKING HAPPY-ENDING KISS??

9. Disney, how did the evil girls know that exploiting Demi as a princess would be damaging to her? Wouldn’t they want to keep that info QUIET as it’s way cooler to be a real princess than a homecoming one? WOULDN’T THEY??

10. The answer is yes.

CONCLUSION: I love Disney. I love Demi. I tolerate Selena. But this gave me the same sickening feeling as Miss Congeniality 2, and with all the success of High School Musical, I would have expected a little more effort on Disney’s part. The casting was wrong, the costumes were a major let-down, they kept playing Demi Lovato songs at inappropriate times. Selena’s character was disgustingly unrealistic and forced (like always), and Demi resembled a pretty, empty vessel at best. It felt like a big advertisement for their Disney Stars… verses at least trying to make a good guilty pleasure.

Dear Gwendolyn,

One day you will be in public school. Even if Mommy is very rich this is where you’ll be, as I want you to basically live the same life I did… except better. I think it’s safe to say that I will not be able to help living vicariously through some parts of your life. Which is what brings me to this very special subject.

You will hate high school because you will be living in an alternate universe where you believe you’re a huge nerd and that “one day you’ll show them all”. The reality is different, people will be your friend, and you’ll screw up perfectly fine relationships because of your pretend-loner complex. TRY NOT TO DO THIS. But you probably will anyway. Which will be disappointing for me.

Because you believe that you’re special and that one day you’ll show up to your reunion married to Freddie Prinze Jr., you will think that high school is beyond evil and full of politics… you will also believe that the Real World is based on talent and fate alone… where magical jobs are reserved for special people who never fit into high school. THIS IS NOT TRUE.

High school is a chance for you to learn how to play the game before it really matters. I want you to play this game. Hard. I want you to be bubbly and funny without coming off as fake, I want you to wear the “it” clothes and date the “it” boys (without compromising your abstinence pledge, of course), I want you to baby-sit for your teachers, so that they feel a unique connection with you and give you better grades even though its technically immoral (they’ll do it anyway, my sister is proof).

I want you to do these things even if its not what ultimately appeals to you. Because whatever your dreams end up being, these skills will come in handy. And I don’t want you to waste time believing that the world is fair. And whether or not it is shouldn’t be important. As long as you figure out how to manage your life early on, you’ll be ok.

Love,

Your Future-Slightly-Bitter-But-Still-Very-Wise Mother

What we see:

What Kirbie sees:

No wonder she’s so messed up about it.

Today I got my eyebrows shaped. I haven’t waxed them in years because I haven’t needed to, just tweezed. And although they are shaped nicely, I miss my old brows. However, Valentina didn’t even notice anything was done to them, so I guess I’m anxious about absolutely nothing. I feel the same about going lighter with me hair. I am neurotic.

Val, you’re not going to hear the end of this eyebrow issue until they grow back in and according to extensive internet research it will be about a month of me wee-wahing

First of all “lighter with me hair”? Your Irish obsession has to stop. Second of all, it’s a good thing I’ll be leaving for a month, as I don’t think we could remain friends much longer if this continues. It’s for your own good, Jirby.

Seriously, Kirbie. They look the same.

But now his true nature has been exposed, and I can’t help but be slightly relieved. I don’t believe he deserved the violence, but he did deserve the fall.